A COMPLETELY USELESS DEFENSIVE SIMULATOR

VRANCKEN'S VANKERS

Five defenders. Infinite tactical options. Absolutely no chance of a clean sheet.

0GOALS CONCEDED

0DEFENSIVE PLANS

0CLEAN SHEETS

● READY FOR KICK-OFF

HEARTS 0 – 0 OPPOSITION

LIVE: Select a defensive plan and prepare for the inevitable.

● LIVE TACTICAL CAMERA · TYNECASTBACK FOUR READY

🧠 Build your defensive masterplan

SET YOUR DEFENCE ↓ Choose one option in each box

01 CHOOSE THE OPPOSITION

02 DEFENSIVE LINE

03 DEFENSIVE TACTIC

04 FINAL INSTRUCTION

⚡ UNHINGED DEFENSIVE POWER-UP

Power-ups really change the action. They cannot, however, change the result.

🔎 Your defensive plan is ready

Pick your tactics and see if Vrancken can mastermind a clean sheet. Spoiler: he can't.

📋 Matchday disaster log 0 discovered

No defensive catastrophes yet. Give it a second.

An unofficial satirical cartoon football game. Fictional teams and scenarios. Not affiliated with Heart of Midlothian FC, its staff or opponents. Progress saves on this browser.